101th POSTEBRATION!

Who celebrates 100 posts anymore? That's sooooooo last blogoyear! One Hundred and Oneth is totally where it is AT. In celebration of my 101th post I've decided to take you to a world that most of us are already familiar with, but one which I have been sorrily detached from for almost a month now --> the land of Infomercials. 'Infomercials?!' You say. Why yes, Infomercials - but this isn't a post on just any infomercials this is a post devoted to my 5 MOST FAVOURITE infomercials of ALL TIME! In no particular order they are:
1) ShamWOW! (have)
2) Lord's Prayer Necklace (have-not)
3) Magic Bullet (obvs have this one)
4) Loud 'n Clear (investment)
5) Snuggie (only in my sweetest dreams)

Let's get this party started:


The ShamWOW! is possibly the biggest scam in the tv infomercial universe. Unfortunately Dorcas fell prey to it while auto show a couple months back so now we have one at our apartment in Kingston. As far as I can tell it don't work. The most use i've gotten out of it is placing it under our leaky clothes washer ... yeah. But to the real point here - the infomercial himself. Aside from the fact that Vincy boy looks like your regular old neighbourhood methhead (and now confirmed prostitue employer/beater)... there are many other points of (dis)interest I'd like to point out. first off - wtf is a shammy? No one I know has ever used that word to describe an absbsorbent towel outside conversation on the ShamWow! commericial. point 2: the whole "Call now - cuz we can't do this all day" gimmick. Really Vince? you CAN'T do it all day. I think someones had a few too many sips of the ShamWow absorbed coke ... you most definitely CAN and DO sell these things all day. everytime I fricken turn on the tv there you are staring at me with your beady little eyes - willing me to buy your shammy... i mean ShamWow! You know what I think ... you are the the Sham Vince ... and I would not be surprised if your little 'business' venture was in Shambles by the end of the month....

deux: The Lord's Prayer Cross from Montebello Collections.
Okay. Okay...... O... Kaaaaaaaaaay. What in the world!? Riddle me this: If the Lord's Prayer is one of the most famous prayers in the WORLD (which I do not dispute) then why would someone need it strapped to their neck in a gawdy necklace - shouldn't a god-fearing Christian (whom I assume is their target audience here) already know such a prayer off by heart? huh. Okay so besides the fact that this necklace is suffering from a bad case of the uglies and is possibly least practical of all the infomercial items I'm discussing in this postabration - there are some parts to this desparate sales pitch that I adore: 1) the music - it's like the end of an inspirational sports film (Yay! God wins!). 2) At 60 sec. a man is about to give the token ginger a gift ... here's how I think the conversation would go:

Ginge thinks she's about to get a ring and BAM - AHAH gotcha it's just the fugly 'real' crystal necklace
Man: ta da!
Ginge: agh!
Man: put it on honey!
Ginge: uhhh
Man: Did I stutter? - Put. It. ON.
Ginge: maybe later...?
Man: ....
Ginge: .....
Man: Okay, Okay... howabout just look through it!
Ginge: Look through it?
Man: Yeah you know ... Look through it. Sometimes you get a necklace and you just wanna sit an look through it, like maybe you'll see something cool- y'know?
Ginge: Not really...
Man: ....
Ginge: ....so....
Man: You are SOOO not getting into heaven.

In summary - don't have, don't need, don't want, don't talk about this necklace in my presence ever.

For our third subject we move over to something a little bit more useful and a lot more fun to watch - the MAGIC BULLET informercial - otherwise known as the countertop magician. Has a commercial for what is essentially a mini-upsidedown blender ever been so magical - I think not! Over the years the magic bullet has earner a special place in my heart. This is beacause I have one and it works! I can makes shakes so simply and effortlessly, bean dip, guacamole, cheese sauce, salad dressing ... okay so i've only ever made a breakfast shake with mine but I know that is I wanted to I could make all those other things. Besides the fact that this thing works it also comes along with its own little sitcom. If I were buying a magic bullet today I would demand a copy of the infomercial. Everytime I see it on TV I see something new! I don't think I've ever seen the full thing ... and that's what keeps me coming back for more. If only the hungover middle-aged Berman and the other annoyingly tanned couple are at the breakfast bar when I tune in ... I know that I need to stick around because that crazy chimney stack, alchoholic, barrel of laughs with sass, Hazel, is still yet to come (pretty sure I'm going to be just like Hazel in about 30 years give or take). And I never get tired of the Coked up hosts because there are so many other characters to soften their chirpy sales pitch (even if one of their guests looks eerily like her host).... okay so would I be completely out of line if I guessed that the reason all these people are chilling at this place for breakfast is because they were having a swinger's party the night before? And did Hazel and Berman hookup? So many Questions .. .tune in to find out!

Fourth on the Docket: LOUD 'N CLEAR. This is a bit sketchtastic... okay a LOT sketchtastic. This is like an electronic glass on door device. You can amplify all the sounds around and be innappropriately nosey. OKay so, Things I LOVE about this commercial: The part where the lady asks what suite in the card game - why does she have to ask... she's already wearing the Loud N Clear - CLEARly isn't legit. Also love when the guy wears it to a cocktail party and listens in of the group of chicks - priceless. Another golden moment - when the lady listens in on her neighbours - she obviously doesn't have a hearing problem, which would indicate that she bought the device solely for the purpose of listening in on private conversations that will in turn stroke her ego ... what kind of product IS THIS?! Marketing clearly gets this is morally questionable behaviour and counters by showing a clip of a lady using it for where else ... CHURCH. I love that they've juxtaposed using the device to eavesdrop and using it to make sure you hit the correct note in Amazing Grace .... Amazing.

5th on my list is the ever puzzeling Snuggie! Why didn't I think of this?! If people are this easily swayed to spend money then man what am I missing out on. I'm pretty sure if the Snuggie makes a profit then I could sell my Pajomforter idea ... okay stay with me now: It's Pajamas ... made out of comforter material! No more fighting over the covers with you're loved one! just hop into you're own personal Pajomforter and sleep in peace! Also comes in Pajilt (quilt styling) and Pajeets (for those hot summer nights when all you need is the sheets). I know - I'm sitting on a Diamond mine, right? I bet someone is using a Loud n Clear right now to overhear my brilliant idea! yeah I talk out loud when I type - what's it to you? Well, it's patented so don't even think about it. Anyway ... Down to the actual infomercial itself ... yeah there really is not much to say here other than ... A-MAZING. I have never seen someone have so much difficulty using a regualr blanket as the lady in this informercial - she makes it seem like a task requiring a specific skill set and excellent hand-eye coordination. BLANKET - this product is not to be used by any person not in possession of a degree in Advanced Blanket techniques.... that being said ... how many times have you pulled up a blanket to cover your torso and your feetsies pop out and are exposed to the cold ... too many times ... TOO MANY!

All these products while baffling seem not to come close to the selection below which I will leave you with on this fine Wednesday. I hope you enjoyed the 101th POSTEBRATION and I promise I will try and update more regularly in future.